Maggie Thatcher looked a bit like my mum.

Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher looked a bit like my mum.

The incendiary stance of not viscerally hating the former Prime Minister is as much born from unformed political opinion, a lack of experience at the business end of some the policies rolled out under her leadership and an upbringing exclusively surrounded by Conservatives, as it is that at a glance she looked a bit like the woman who made me my tea when I got home from school or put a plaster on a scraped knee.

Throughout the 80s I went from pre-pubescence to young adulthood and the presence of Margaret Thatcher writ large over it all. Even though I was more interested in Razzle than Newsround her voice was either intoning a stoic mantra of belligerence aimed at her detractors or being fiercely lampooned by right-on comedy activists on Spitting Image. The face of Britain and of leadership. A face so recognizable it prompted a Pavlovian response in everyone in the country.

As an apolitical teenager her suffocating omnipresence and the reaction to it was fed to you, rather forcibly it felt, by the TV or radio or news print or adults or teachers or by any means possible at all times. An interminable white noise of angry people being professionally angry and hurting the people with whom they disagreed and sometimes with whom they agreed. Really hurting. Physically, emotionally, financially; in fact, in any way they could.

The hurt of those years has exploded onto our screens and newspapers once more, her death acting as the trigger for an outpouring from what seems to be two binary schools of thought. And it is these exclusively polar opposite opinions I struggle to comprehend.

On the one hand you have a hatred so pure it suggests the idea of Thatcher has over-taken the reality. One comedian on Twitter quipped he was disappointed she hadn’t been still born (LOL) and another commentator gleefully wishing for the death of one of her cabinet ministers (LMFAO). ‘Evil’ became the go-to descriptor and many of those who suffered directly, or through inaction, were basking in the sunshine of her passing. Free now. “Ding dong, the witch is dead!” peels across the country and somehow serves, to me at least, to dilute the political statement. A smart-arse paean rather than valid statement. To these people she represented every conceivable ill-fortune lain at their door and thank fuck she’s dead. Good riddance squared.

On the other hand we are treated to the baffling deifying of the former Member of Parliament for Finchley. The blonde halo of her hair so perfectly set in her favourite Mayfair salon framing the face of necessary and unapologetically severe change. Tellingly never described as ‘Good’ to counter the ‘Evil’ but referred to using power words such as ‘conviction’, ‘leadership’ and ‘great’. Willfully ignorant to the impact of change on so many and utterly convinced only the headlines mattered. The world was her stage not those collieries of The North; those mere consequences not a consideration. A deeply uncomfortable viewpoint and one so eagerly flippant. The tragedy of her death to be marked by a public procession, to mourn, to consider, to laud. Weep quietly for She lay at rest now.

The divide is dangerously polar. If you are of one camp then you will be hard put to hold together a discussion with a member of the other because the pain or the pleasure has managed to define who we are now, albeit older and flabbier. So your parents were stripped of their jobs, and seemingly hope, then chances are you’ve been noisily pissed since last week flopping your hatred about to all and digital sundry. Born to an enterprising lot irritatingly seduced by the promise of more gold than you could eat and there is a chance you’ve been pursed lipped and chastising those others for daring to throw a brick at the House of Thatcher.

Me? I don’t mourn politicians. I don’t cheer when a human being dies. I am a proud Briton and painfully aware that this nation has borne brute and brilliance time and again through history and we as a people suffer or profit as a result of their actions, and will do for generations as we have done for generations past.

Margaret Thatcher was a brutal enforcer of contentious change and that is how I will remember her. Oh, and she looked a bit like my mum.

Posted in Politics | Tagged | 2 Comments

Homelessness is not as sexy as it sounds.

I have been homeless three times.

But here’s the thing; I didn’t know I was at the time.

Homelessness, if you’ve never experienced it, is not always the anonymous person in the doorway of a shop or church. Sleeping bag devoured by the midnight cold and cardboard signs lamenting a life better-lived in the hope you will throw a coin or two into a cup. Shelter.org.uk offer this as a definition, “You don’t have to be living on the street to be homeless. You may be legally classed as homeless if you are sleeping on a friend’s sofa, staying in a hostel, suffering from overcrowding, or other bad conditions.” Now have a think. Have you ever been homeless?

The occasions of my homelessness were all during a period between 1987 and 1992. You are now probably assuming some sort of dependency or abuse, right? Wrong. The catalysts which forced me onto sofas and single-room bedsit shares were as a consequence of my own actions or inaction. It would be simple for me to languidly throw in the recession of the time (yes, there was one before the current one, kids!) or the lack of an adequate familial support system as reasons. No. I was homeless because when faced with simple choices I opted for what appeared to be the easiest path and getting it hopelessly wrong.

In truth, the easiest path often starts off ridiculously hard. Like being dumped in a video-game from the end where it’s a shit storm of aliens attacking you from every angle and told to find the start, but with no weaponry, or map, or TV even. So you bump into things, make huge mistakes but keep on going because like Winston Churchill once said, “if you’re going through Hell, keep going.” All of a sudden you get the TV, the map, the weaponry and you make more mistakes but this time you have the resource to correct them and start moving in the right direction with purpose. Suddenly the shit storm gets slightly less shit and you can see where you’re heading. I’m over-simplifying here and the journey is not the same for everyone, with dependency, abuse or illness often stealing the TV and the map from you just as you’re getting somewhere, for those of you in that situation I want to help.

We can all help.

The latest recession brought with it the spectre of homelessness once more and it is so much more hideous and frightening when the eyes of your children look deep within you with such unconditional trust that you will protect them and everything will be fine. A child knows nothing of the balance sheet only the brutal consequence of one shredded by ill fortune. On occasion I have been in utter despair and consumed with panic even though on the surface, to everyone at the perimeter of my life, I am a moderately successful businessman with all the trimmings. My resolve has been tested far more than at any other time and I have mustered the strength from somewhere and we are in control again. Always watchful, but in control.

I could bore you rigid with all the gory details but believe me, I’m just like you. I make great decisions and poor decisions. Often I’m a superb parent, equally often I’m a dick parent. We have jobs, savings, investments and bills the same. We are not different you and I, we simply have different experiences with homelessness.

On May 4th 2013 I will be completing the fantastically bombastic challenge event Tough Mudder and I will doing so in the hope that we can raise some cash for Shelter.org.uk. I’ll be pissing about on @mattwhatsit and asking for you to give a little – or a lot if I happen to know you’re loaded – so that everyone affected with homelessness or living in bad conditions can be supported and given the TV, the map and a shitload of weaponry to get them to the easier path.

Inevitable Just Giving page is here or if it’s still 1998 where you are you can TEXT MWJG71 and an amount of £1, £2, £3, £4, £5 or £10 to 70070..

Much love and thanks,

Matty xx

Posted in Charity, Middle Age | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Everything Everywhere. Fuck you.

I have been brand loyal to Orange for many years, dating back to before mobulls (Baconese) were invented and we used to have to throw children into raw sewage to get messages to loved ones across The Thames to arrange a flagon or two down the Rotted Corpse to celebrate Grandad’s 30th.

Back in 2000 and whenever, I forget and frankly don’t care, Orange decided their dwindling standards of customer care were in disparity to what was essentially excellent and reliable network coverage. The quick fix was to pair up with that bastion of mobile excellence One2One; or as Fritz calls them, T-Mobile.

Almost immediately the problem was solved. No more were Orange customers, who for so long were taunted with front loaded comfort messages about commitment to excellent customer services, to suffer the ability to make and receive calls for more than 90 seconds at a time. Gone were the days of a spectacularly cheerful Geordie soothing you with “Ahm surry boot thars nuttin we can doo like!” AND being able to take a call or send an email in the middle of London.

Hello the brave new world of EE. Everything Everywhere. I’m sure when this moniker spewed from the mouth of some over-eager Scandinavian uber consultant that even he or she didn’t think for one moment that anyone would take it seriously. Heck, he’d done his last sack of MDMA only 4 hours beforehand as he was being licked by an elk dressed in nothing but his leather chaps and a fedora, the name just kinda cod-shitted out and flew like R Kelly.

Everything Everywhere has completed my journey from a perfectly happy, if slightly world-weary, Orange customer enjoying regular upgrades, solid network coverage and friendly, terrible customer support to now. Now is the time I rise up and say no more.

Why? See the letter I received this morning.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate rising costs in an economy shaken to it’s core. Or that prices inexorably increase whether we like it or not. That’s life. Even in the moral-free, thievery-ridden world of exploitation that is insurance. But a 33% price hike is inexcusable and an insult. An insult made all the worse and more cynical by listlessly throwing in a flaccid £5 discount voucher on an accessory purchase. An accessory purchase – of £20 minimum – I had not planned or have any intention of making, therefore EE are further attempting to extract more money from me, not giving money away as is implied. It is wretched compensation delivered with a sneer.

So here we are Orange and EE. Fuck you, fuck your shit network, fuck your chirpy, crap customer service and most very fuck of all – Mr Chris Male, Head of Care & Quality – fuck your insurance in the widest parts of its arse.

Love,

Matty x

A kind offer of a kick in the balls.

A kind offer of a kick in the balls.

Posted in Comedy, Mobile | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Me & Mrs Murphy

Many years ago, back in the mid-90s, I knocked on doors around Kent selling cable TV and telephone. I was bloody good at it. Renowned for ethical selling I was sent into lower income areas, which is where I knocked on the door of Mrs Murphy. I’ll never forget her.

Mrs Murphy had no husband. Or furniture. She did have 6 kids. All running around this practically empty house hitting each other with floorboards.

My ethics would not let me sell her TV services. Demonstrably she could not afford it. She did have a phone. I could save her £5 a month. So I started the paperwork. The conversation is genial. I’m saving her money and she’s delighted. Laughter and screaming children everywhere.

I tell Mrs Murphy my company has a children’s club. “Oh that’s lovely dear!” “Yes, and we send them a treat on their birthday” “Isn’t that smashing dear!” “I know! So can I have their dates of birth?” “Sure.” And she rattles off all six dates and I’m writing down names like Charlie-Bob, Rosie-May, Billy-Willy and the like.

We finish and it’s like I’ve told them they’ve won the lottery. The little lads are shaking my hand. I glance down at the paperwork and because I’m a cheeky chappy I notice something and can’t hold back a little joke.

“Well you have been busy! 87, 88, 89, 91, 92 and 93 – no wonder you had a break in 1990, probably grateful for the rest!” House went silent.

“She died.”

I’ve only been truly speechless twice in my life. I left without saying a word as everybody in the room glared at me. Like it was my fault.

Mrs Murphy hadn’t signed the paperwork. I didn’t go back. Ever.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Fuck me, it’s Terry Nutkins!

A hundred years ago, when I was at college in the late 1800s, before memes were thought of, me and a bunch of student pals would greet each other when walking into the boozer with a cry of, “FUCK ME, IT’S TERRY NUTKINS!”

For reasons too dull to go through I am a Hertfordshire chap educated in Herefordshire. I have also lived in London, Surrey, (currently) Essex and Kent. I’ll come on to Kent.

No-one really remembers when “FUCK ME, IT’S TERRY NUTKINS” started or who originated it. The culmination of “FUCK ME, IT’S TERRY NUTKINS” was a booze-drenched weekend in Hereford with “FUCK ME, IT’S TERRY NUTKINS” t-shirts and much merriment and thrown-out-of-clubbiment.

Fast forward eleventy years or so and I started my now hugely successful career in sales by knocking on the doors of the residents of Medway, Kent, selling cable TV and telephone services. I was bloody good at it and at 20-something earning loads of money and getting ALL the pussy. Every inch the terrible cunt you can imagine. Every man wanted to be me and every woman wanted to be with me. The car, the youth, the chat – I was the kiddy.

Chatham is in Kent. Chatham has a country park which is (was) central to the patch me and my team worked so we would meet at the park’s café, pre-knocking. In we would saunter, like some low-rent Swingers, “eight teas, Beryl – and doughnuts!”.

In we bowled one day, hot, looking cool, brand new Fiestas parked out front and I stopped in my tracks. Sat down, chatting to an elderly couple holding what looked like a vole was…

“FUCK ME, IT’S TERRY NUTKINS!”

…I shouted at the top of my voice. Instinctively. Loudly. Very, very, loudly. Followed up in a nano-second by my huge cackly laugh. Y’know how a cokehead laughs at their own joke? Like that, a LOT like that.

Thirty or forty people all stopped and looked round at this guy (me), including Terry Nutkins. My laughter continued. I’m in hysterics. I CANNOT believe it’s Terry fucking Nutkins! After all this time I get to drop the funniest line EVER!

A few seconds pass and I catch my breath. “What?!” I look around, “ IT’S TERRY NUTK-“. My brain catches up and nudges me – literally no-one in the room in this very quiet room went to college with me. That was ten years ago. You look like a massive prick.

I look over. Terry Nutkins is smirking at me, maintaining eye contact. Everyone else is now looking at the ground.  

I learnt a valuable lesson that day. Something about it’s not all about me, and that Terry Nutkins was a wonderful man.

RIP (FUCK ME, IT’S) Terry Nutkins. :-(

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Appeal for a charity.

Last year I completed an atypical self-absorbed act of mid-life crisis. Tough Mudder.

It was the first time this particular event was held in the UK and purely by chance we were in the first group out. 12 miles and 27 British Special Forces-designed obstacles later we crossed the finish line in a little under 2hrs 35mins. Not bad, could’ve done better.

Tough Mudder support Help for Heroes and being the self-important dick I am I completely bypassed an opportunity to promote my participation by way of gaining sponsorship through social media. What a wally. It was for too late and way too much of an afterthought by the time a nice lady on Twitter pointed this out to me. I was contrite.

Tough Mudder 2013 is nine months away and I, along with a few friends, have pre-registered. Here’s where, at last, after nearly three years of knob gags we can finally tweet for smiles AND directly improve a person’s life – even if it’s just a little.

I am very conscious that over-promotion of good causes and charity fatigue feature heavily on social media and that sponsorship is either demanded incredulously and with astoic glare, or repeatedly demanded as if being poked with a stick. I will not do this.

Over to you.

If you are involved with a charity, established or new, UK-based or global, then please get in touch, email below, if you have any new innovative, humourous (no funny suits or wigs – sorry) ways we can make a few grand that you maybe too apprehensive to share with your crew. We could help some people down on their uppers and also assuage my guilt for nearly 41 years of self-indulgence.

The way in which sponsorship is requested, given or found is important to me because I believe if it works for us it could be a format used by other much more public figures who could make a real difference.

If no-one comes forward then go fuck yourelves, I’ll do it for me again.

Email: mattwhatsit@gmail.com (no cock pics)

M x

Posted in Charity, Fitness, Health, Middle Age, Social Media, Twitter, UK | Leave a comment

Phonetic Alphabet: Draft 1.2

Alpha
Balpha
Cbomb
DadadaDAAAA
E😃
Foxtrot
Gary
Harry
Iddybiddy
Jew
mmK?
Laterz
Mmmattersons
Nipslip
O.M.G.
Pee
Quickphit
Rararasputinrussiasgreatestlovemachine
Symbol
Thimble
Upskirt
Vga
Why
Xmen
Yohwhy
Zsdeadbabyzedsdead

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | 2 Comments