Fuck Joel. Fuck the slimy bint chiming “Hey, Tim. Show Joel how everything you touch turns to Skittles.”

Although we do need to consider a few glaring problems with the whole set up if we are to believe that everything Tim touches turns to Skittles.

Is Tim’s condition one with which he was born? I think not otherwise one can assume Tim’s mother’s womb would’ve be reduced to a pile of primary-coloured toddler crack at some point in the second trimester. So we can conclude Tim developed his Skittle alchemy at some point after he was born. We have to ask when?

We first meet Tim sat at his desk at work. So he’s made it through school and college and presumably other jobs which all would have required an element of touching “everything”. Tellingly, Tim has a desk – this is not his first day here either, is it? The phone rings and Tim goes to answer it so we know he’s done that before as well. All the signs are that transmogrification of “everything” into confectionery is a very, very recent change in Tim’s behaviour.

My theory is this. Tim has come in to work, sat at his desk and was asked by the female colleague, let’s call her Marjorie, to complete a menial task he finds demeaning or not worthy. Tim emails another colleague to say how much he thinks Marjorie should cram her thankless task up her ass and how Joel should do it, because Joel is a dick. Unfortunately for Tim he uses a group email to message his friend and hits ‘reply to all’. Marjorie sees this and immediately sacrifices a lamb to Anguta, an Inuit God – gatherer of the dead – and whilst naked and writhing around in lamb blood offers her mortal womb if he were to curse Tim. And curse Tim he does. The room fills with smoke and fire and the deathly howls of the undead. “I AM ANGUTA. I AM THE DEATH GATHERER. EVERYTHING TIM TOUCHES WILL NOW TURN TO SKITTLES!” a disembodied voice booms. Marjorie collapses.

Joel, wondering what the noise coming from HR is, finds Marjorie bloodied and exhausted on her office floor and quickly covers her in tea towels from the kitchenette. He leaves her to clean herself up and returns half an hour later with a glass of water. Marjorie accepts the water and explains what she has done. Previously unaware of the email, Joel is initially unsure whether summoning the Inuit God of death was entirely necessary but soon came round to the idea – he always distrusted Tim. Anyway, it wasn’t his womb, so who gives, right?

Now cut to the only part of this horrific story that can be broadcast - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxItH0I6xmQ.

The sad end to this story is that within four minutes of the camera turning off Tim got an itchy nose and without thinking, well.

Tim’s dead.