Liv Tyler gazes out at me from her minimalist, luxury apartment. I pause, my heart races, she begins, “Look what I’ve put my hair through.”

Those seven words shatter my soul like a crystal rose and I begin to sob uncontrollably. I almost cannot listen, but steady myself for the grotesque details.

“Monday it’s straight, Wednesday it’s curly.”

Liv is in black and white now, images of her torture too vivid for colour, her stylist gently caressing her hair so viscously Liv sighs. Barely able to comprehend her suffering, my feeble mind already desperately cloying for answers to put a cease to this inhumane toll, I start to realise where this horror is heading.

“Over time I’m left with more and more split ends”. Oh, sweet Jesus! How could we have not known, how could we have been so ignorant? Are we such animals that none of us thought for one second to ask? I have never loathed myself more. I slip into a deep depression.

Liv looks dejectedly at her split ends. Images of the Holocaust, 9/11, the famine on the Horn of Africa, the tsunami in Japan and soldiers in the trenches during WW1 flash through my mind. Mika tinkles on the piano.

Liv has been suffering alone for so long, “I’ve tried so many hair care products” she chimes. Walking past unlabelled bottles of unrequited hope she seems lost; trapped in an attritional battle with a staggeringly minor hair complaint.

We are lost.

“But now I’ve found this!”

Wait. What? How can this be, as hope returned? Were we nought but a split end ravaged tribe of soulless, ignorant ne’er-do-wells. How?

The fight against the degradation of filamentous biomaterial is being won. And who’s winning for us? That’s right – science! “Brand new repair and protect from Pantene”. YES! GO PANTENE! “It’s the best ever ProV conditioning formula,” I never stopped believing, not for a second. Liv will be saved.

“It makes split ends appear instantly mended.”

Instantly! Look, turn your stupid face at the telly, open your fat eyes and LOOK at the bad split ends that makes your hair black and white and then look at colour, Pantene-mended un-split ended hair. Glory to science. In your FACE creationist assholes!

Mika rejoices as Liv’s hair dances across the screen in a joyous twirl.

Caveat: Pantene shampoo, conditioner & rinse out treatment vs. non conditioning shampoo, measured on bleached hair.

Liv is happy. So, so happy. “With new Pantene my hair looks healthy week after week!” A point proven by a week counter that clearly shows the passing of a whole week as Liv’s hair continues to kiss our eyes and make my dick hard.

“New Pantene Repair & Protect for hair so healthy looking it shines.”

For what it is worth, on behalf of the world I offer an apology. It will never happen again, Liv. We will never forget the suffering of your hair.

But let us now bask in the sunshine of your release.

Love, M x

[You can donate to Liv Tyler's hair by purchasing any Pantene product from your local stockist. Please give generously.]