Practicing the dark art of obsessive compulsive narcissism affords me the sort of self-appointed expertise on health & fitness often found at the bottom of every DVD bargain bin in most supermarkets by the likes of her that used to be off of Eastenders and that girl with the permanent nose dribble and the less than permanent sponsorship deal.
Easter is second only to the den of colonic iniquity that is Christmas for smashing your face with trans-fats and knackering your posture with a four day slouch. Cry-gorging your way through Wispas and panic-stuffing Double Deckers before the kids discover you. Under the stairs. Mouth covered in the brown stain of chocolatey shame.
Before you explode off the sofa and march like a goose-stepping marshmallow off to your local Virgin Active or LA Fitness or Steroid Jim’s, a quick triage of your current fitness level is required. Use the following as a guide so you can accurately describe to the perky-buttocked chap behind reception why you’ve arrived scarlet-faced and breathless from the challenging walk from the car park.
Changing TV Channels
An advanced bout of Britain’s Got Talent, the adverts are on and they are driving your Skittle-drunk mind crazy with impatient fervour, do you…? (one answer only)
a) Shout at a child to bring (NOT THROW!) the remote, flick channels risking arm ache.
b) Spy the remote on another chair more than 2ft away, huff, sigh, tweet.
c) Power through the ads, effortlessly shuffling to the freezer for Haagen Dazs.
You sink into a hot bath with a drink/snack combo to see you through the next hour of navel-sniffing and bit-scrubbing, what are they…? (one answer only, unless you get out and replenish supplies – well done you)
a) A glass/decanter/bowl of Merlot and the stew pot full of popcorn.
b) A can of Stella and innumerable Jaffa Cakes.
c) A 2-litre bottle of Pepsi and the biscuit barrel (no lid).
Morning of a Day Off
Managing to sleep past seven in a Cadbury sponsored coma you awake, bleary-eyed and drag your carcass to the kitchen. Standing there dazed and confused you decide breakfast can only mean one thing. (one answer only, unless you are polybreakfasting)
a) Reduce risk of breathlessness – toast. For everyone, although sneaking a bowl of Sugar Puffs while you wait. And another.
b) Still pissed you ignore all aches and pains and knock up a heart-stopping amount of carbs and protein that would kill a riot horse.
c) Fuck it. McDonald’s.
A walk to the pub has burned off a colossal double-digit amount of calories and so this deserves a rewarding refreshment. Sick of the taste of chocolate, and still giddy from the hike, you order…? (as many answers as you like)
a) Lagers, shots and a bag of dry roasted peanuts. To share.
b) A couple of bottles of wine and cheesy chips. To share.
c) Lagers, shots, a couple of bottles of wine, dry roasted peanuts and cheesy chips. To share.
At The Park
A trip to the park is a wonderful shared experience for you and the kids, a joint activity where you can connect in body and mind. Your youngest child wants to go on the gentlest of rides, how do you prepare…? (answer only one, and don’t lie)
a) Smoke the fag you’ve got on the go, light another and then join them.
b) Offer a diverting ice-cream, give them the money and finish smoking the fag you’ve got on the go.
c) Run over to the wheeliebout, trip, fall on your face, get a mouth full of bark. Use the lager you didn’t spill to wash your mouth out, light a fag and refuse to be helped up. You’ve got your pride.
Now, no-one wants you to become some carbon-breasted supermodel or one of those guys on the not-gay-in-any-way Men’s Health cover shots that look like they’ve been vacuum-packed in their own skin. You don’t have to adopt a monastic lifestyle and eat nothing but brown rice, steamed water and only fish that doesn’t cast a shadow. Life’s treats are what makes the whole experience rich and fun – so lead a balanced lifestyle, not a balancing Creme Eggs on the side of a fully-laden cheeseboard lifestyle.
Eat well, drink well. I care about you.