It’s almost metronomic, the tick-tock-tick-tock rhythm of a Girl’s Night Out. How mothers, aunts, daughters, sisters, grandmothers, nieces and wives all drop the painfully thin veil of moral incredulity and dispense of the social shackles tethering them to their M&S sensibilities.
Normally guarded by the four horsemen of the modern woman’s apocalypse – Diet, Shops, Sex and Career – the ladies are able to douse the burning flame of injustice and not enough good, hard cock with vodka, Southern Comfort, brandy, gin (sweet, sweet gin) and Bacardi. The mixers serve as stabilisers, or it would be straws in the optics and dirty knees inside half an hour.
Recognising the five stages of Pissed Wife is incredibly important. As man, your job is to know when to worry, when not to worry, and when to clean your browser history and actually go to bed. Here is my guide…
1. Pre-pub Giggly
An intense period of ‘just one as I get ready’. Unfortunately, failing to recognise a 1/6th of a gill even if it knocked on the front door and punched her in the minge, the ‘just one’ is actually a pint of spirit with a depressingly flacid mixer. A spit of carbonated conscience softener.
2. Early-pub Nerves
Lying on the sofa in your pants you receive a text ‘Jane is being a twat and really pissed. Might come home soon. You still up? Xxxx’. You know that Jane is already at Stage 3, you also know that ‘just one as I get ready’ is still making its inexorable march to her still remarkably unexpecting brain. You text something soothing back and squeeze in half an hour of telly before… BAM!
3. Fuckfaced Texty Pissed
WALLOP! The mixers have given up, all the vowels start disappearing in the texts (as has all context and sense) and you get the call. At that moment she is utterly convinced that she needs to tell you how much she loves you. Three times. Three different calls. You play the game, text back some filth you wouldn’t normally get away with – one day she will bring back her best mate, then you’re fucked – and lay down a funny as hell text with a question at the end. A totally superfluous question, because she’s going Stage 4. You know this, but it’s still scarey.
4. Dark Side of the Moon, Radio Silence Pissed
Nothing. Suddenly all mobile signal is lost. No messages are getting through, voicemail is your only friend. This is the time when the dirty knees happen. When Jane snogs the barman. When she loses stuff and ‘didn’t see your calls’. What no man will admit is this is the time when you worry. When you realise just how much you love your woman. The time when you’re convinced she’s getting it hardstyle from Daniel Craig and Will Smith lookalikes. Scarey, tense, unbelievably tense…
5. Front Door Pissed
You heard her put the cab door in through the framework of the car as she slammed it shut 2 minutes ago… then she tries to walk through the door. Remembers key/keyhole thing and manages to negotiate this still holding her shoes, chicken kebab and handbag. Thuds up the stairs with all the grace of giraffe on ketamine and plonks herself on the bed, before falling asleep on your legs after nearly twisting a bollock off in a well-meaning attempt at sexy time.
You are left, as man, to put her to bed, pick the chargrilled chicken out of her hair, stick her phone on charge and smile lovingly at your woman. She’s home, she’s safe and she’s had a fucking cracker of a night. Love her. x
Spookily accurate. My wife is out tomorrow night. Lucky me
It’s brilliant isn’t it. God love ‘em! I hope she has a cracker.
You’re so romantic, Matt. I do like it when you talk about how much you love your wife, even when – even especially when – she’s at Stage 5.
(And if your wife does meet a Daniel Craig lookalike, tell her to send him to me because she’s married.)
A lady on The Twit really didn’t like this post, said it was massively insulting. Lots of love from most though, including Mrs Whatsit. She says she doesn’t fancy Daniel Craig by the way, so he’s all yours. I said “she wishes!” Xx
OMG!!! This is me!!!!! Lol!!! Oh the shame!!!! Love this post!!! Spookily accurate!!!
I can identify with this so much it’s making the tears run down my legs
I’m one of those who was slightly offended. Especially the 4 horsemen comment and the moral incredulity. I know it wasn’t nastily meant, but it the whole effect is to make women look weak, silly, infantile, sheep-like and in need of rescuing.
That is a real shame you feel like that; I think I am unable to argue my position to you convincingly as from your comment it appears that have you rather made your mind up about me – so I’ve asked Twitter their opinion on your comment. Not in a nasty way you understand, I’m curious to hear other women’s opinions who maybe have conversed with me a little more than yourself. If you get any hassle then please let me know – but you shouldn’t, we’re all grown ups.
It wasn’t a personal comment Matt but that’s how I see the post, sorry.
I don’t consider myself weak or sheeplike (maybe silly and infantile) and I don’t know why but every time I go out in public to drink with friends, I follow the exact pattern. Matt, you seemed to get it perfect and from the majority of women I can see replying to you, your five stages seem a pretty accurate description.
My husband and I, laughed throughout this post and I could see myself at every stage. Perhaps Deborah, you could do a five stages of men? It would be pretty interesting to compare.
I don’t think I’d be able to generalise it, everyone is different
Surely it’s the common themes that thread us together. We must be able to laugh at every angle of ourselves otherwise what’s it all for? Generalisation is not for everyone.
By the way, LOVED the irony in the statement “I don’t think I’d be able to generalise it, everyone is different”, assuming it was intended? x
Great! Exactly as intended. x
I too was slightly offended by this, largely because I haven’t been able to do this in decades. But it was sweet and funny, so I lolled too.
Surely it’s only fair that Mrs Whatsit writes “5 Stages of a Pissed up Hubs”?
I laughed a lot. Thanks!
Yes, so many are
Loved this. I am referring Husband No.1 to Stage 5, since he’s been remiss about the kebab de-lousing of late.
And if there are any women out there to whom this doesn’t seem relevant..? Well, we can safely assume they’re not having enough fun.
I too am offended. I can no longer participate in this merry dance, due to grown up commitments. Way to rub it in.
Marvellous. And startlingly accurate.
This is brilliant. I am actually tempted to wake my boyfriend up and say “look, look it’s me!” and he would nod slowly, open mouthed that he is not the only person who goes through this ritual. I always send a “might come home, not very drunk” text and then six hours later I burst through the door with £24 worth of McDonalds.
Hahaha! That made my sober wife and I laugh a lot! Are you on Twitter?
This has made my day, many thanks to my sister sarah (above) who shared it with me.
I will, without fail, send an annoyed ‘bah tonights rubbish’ text before wobbling in armed with shoes and pizza, trip over the cat, the dog will finsh the pizza off as it lands on her head-even though I’d clung onto it to feed to hubbie. fail at seduction as I trip over my pants and headbutt the wardrobe and collapse in bed. Needless to say my phone always gets charged and I’m always put to bed
Haha! Do I know you and your sister or what!
The last guy I lived with took the ‘will prob be back soon’ texts far too literally. When I finally arrived home after the long radio silence bit (‘But I couldn’t find my phone because it was in my handbag’) I was told off for selfishly causing him a night of worry.
It was one of the reasons I left him. Also he was a vegetarian so I could never bring a kebab back.
Only seen stage five once, and I had to do a full torch-equipped search for missing posessions in the road at 3am. Mostly harmless though.
I gave up drink 7 years ago (didn’t enjoy it) so can be hugely smug about it too
As one of those girl type things I can say this was in no way offensive to me, in fact it made me laugh so hard I choked a little on my drink. It is SO accurate it is scary. Unfortunately stage 3 for me is texting the whole of Twitter and telling them that I love them… or so I think at the time. It’s not until I read it back the next day that I realise I have sent a whole load of bollocks, but well intentioned bollocks. Great blog… hilarious.
Phew !!!! there was me thinking I was the only one going through the hubby stages. Thanks for following my wife around and documenting !
You’re welcome. You missed a bit of chicken by the way…
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