The final straw was when my terminally unfashionable and techinically crippled good friend said those four most dreaded of words, “I got an iPhone!”.

I’m treading water in the Windows Mobile end of the mobile phone pool, swallowing large gulps of unpallatable apps and struggling to keep my head above 3G when this guy, who couldn’t do two widths of the Nokia N-Gage previously, is now slip-streaming pass me with Natwest banking, Angry Birds and the best light saber sound I’ve ever heard!

Now, those of you with iPhones split very firmly in to two camps: there are those of you who endlessly crow about how wonderful it is, posting pictures of the beach using that portentous distorted art-wank frame that ALL of you use and then tweet endlessly about the latest firmware update. You Boo direct from your mobile, you tweet using the ‘official’ Twitter app, you screen-grab… I’ll say it again, you ‘screen-grab’, which is essentially looking in one mirror to look in another. You watch movies, play games, plan routes, find restaurants, share music, bump, slide, pinch, skype, flip, fling and Flickr.

And then there is the other camp. Population – None.

You are all the same.

Which is why I want to be there, in iLand, doing all the stuff you can do. I want to take pictures of frankly grotty English coastline through the art-wank filter and tweet it with comments like, “It sooo gorgeous here on Canvey Island seafront!”. I want to take the sleek little chap out of my pocket and do the swipey pinch thing when I’m town on the way to a meeting. I want to be the target of opportunistic thieves so I can shout “Oi! Come back with my 32Gb iPhone4 in limited edition white!”

I am clearly a man whose every day is blighted by Bill Gates, who is off philanthropising his ass off on the profits made from making each and every day of my life a series of hideous lurches from one crashed application to another. My PC and my mobile collude to ensure I spend most of my day perfecting my tut and rebooting. Tut. Reboot. Tut. Reboot. Tut. Reboot. Tut. Reboot. Tut. Reboot… ad infinitum…

Thanks to my Orange contract I am shackled to my Windows Mobile until the handset bio-degrades, by which time there will be a new iPhone, probably the iPhone-a-go-go or something, and I will be the one with a smug on. Oh, and I shall smug. You have NO i-dee-ah!

For now, it’s Twikini (don’t ask), it’s HTC, it’s Tutreboot.

It’s iEnvy.

Audioboo version click here